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On love, and the lack thereof. Reflections from the tender age of 24.

One year ago today it happened. I was 23. The guy that had disappointed me many times before did it again, but this time for good. I was dumped. I was heartbroken. I cried. I Listened to Adele and Taylor Swift until my ears bled. I drowned every conversation with my friends with my misery. I was so numb that I actually never thought I could move on.

Hah. Right.

People do strange things when they are in love. Like, really really strange. They make excuses for people that act in-excusable. They create scenarios in their mind that may or may not exist, or may or may not ever exist. They make terrible and self-detrimental decisions and then proceed to defend their actions even when they know they are wrong. When they know the other person is wrong. When they know everything is wrong. Trust me, I would know.

People also do a really strange thing when they are in love. They let go. They give themselves whole-heartedly to someone else like their heart is just up for the taking. They open up and let someone in to even the tiniest crevices so deep inside them they didn’t even know they were there. They let them hear them sing old-school Britney in the shower, and then after with no make-up on (I know-right?!). They love having them around, showing them off to their friends, picking out over-priced socks for them to wear—-oh? that’s just me?—talking about their pasts, presents and futures, telling them their biggest dreams and deepest fears, all while imagining them a part of these.

That all sounds sappy, mushy, somewhat topical, mostly stupid, but also entirely beautiful. It is a beautiful thing to give yourself and your love to someone else, to many other people for that matter. And for as much as it fucking sucks to get your heart stomped on more times than the grapes in Napa, it is so much worse to never give yourself in the first place. For all those times you sat on your parents couch eating donuts watching the American President, there are people out there who never really let go or let someone else in. Even worse, there are people out there who don’t know how to really let go of someone. People who settle.

Love isn’t tetris. There won’t be some magical neon red geometric shape that falls from the sky and somehow fits perfectly into your life and mends your relationship. That little thing that is actually a really big thing that always seems to come up sometimes doesn’t go away. Sometimes trying and adapting fixes things, but sometimes differences cannot be fixed. Sometimes what is best for us is the hardest. Sometimes it takes a few tries before we let the balloon go and fly into the sky and get hit by some massive 747 (¯\_(ツ)_/¯) and sometimes we trip along the way and really hurt others in this process. But most times, or all times, we learn about ourselves, and what we really want. Sometimes acting what may seem selfish at the time is all we can do to be happy. This all sounds WAY easier said than done, and most of us stumble or break every bone in our body along the way, but some of us never learn. Even the ones older than 23.

Something funny also happens when you are in lust. You get confused. You think you are in love but actually are only in love with how someone makes you feel, every Friday when they have had a few cocktails and know you are one text, Snapchat or Facebook like away. This actually isn’t funny at all. It’s messy, treacherous, exhilarating, immature, sexy, stupid and mostly the definition of being a 20-something. I guess just be careful, like use a condom of course, but just stop before it gets to messy, or while it is kind of messy. Keep your heart in the same cage you would tell your best friend to. Don’t get taken advantage of if it feels like you are being taken advantage of. If it is just sex, great. Ladies is pimps too, but if it starts becoming a mindfuck and a heart crusher, move on the next one.

I still don’t really know you guys. I still make the same mistakes over and over again like Adam Sandler does in movies recently, but I do gotta say I have learned a lot on these fun/sexy/tortuous/head-slapping-hysterical-but-also-WTF-Sara 12 months. I got disappointed again, by someone I never thought would disappoint me. But because of a few heart breaks, slips and falls this year I think I am better off. And probably 7 pounds heavier.

I mentioned “It is a beautiful thing to give yourself and your love to someone else, to many other people for that matter.” Well, the other people are your friends and family who are there for every tear, happy hour, bitch session, text message meltdown, over-analyzing pity party, and well, you get the picture. These people are the silver-lining in all of this. The ones that stick around after all of your stupid self-centered mistakes, and still love you, they are the ones that deserve most of your love. The ones that can be so mad and confused but also can laugh about it, and make you laugh at yourself, these ones are probably the ones you should text next time you are lonely—not the person who you know will never actually fully make you feel otherwise. 

Tune in next year for another rant. Or maybe I will be too in love, or blinded by it, to blog. Or maybe I will be too drunk to type because I’m hung up on another Mr. Big. We’ll see. There are a lot of fish in the sea, and sometimes it is OK to let some of them sink. I’ll learn that someday. Maybe when I’m 25.